Every, every minute

Terrible time of a morning. I couldn’t sleep in. Woke at 6 am and just laid there twitching and turning and my heart beating ever so fast. So I took a shower and washed the spray tan smell off of me, and went to the grocery store at 7am to get coffee and breakfast stuff. Then that love of mine made me breakfast, which was perfect and sweet in every way. But I got the hiccups and I felt like they were ruining everything. I read a blog, she referenced a line from a play, where the girl died but got to come back to live one more day, and she says “Do human beings ever realize life while they live it?-every, every minute?” long sigh…I read this while watching dustin make me breakfast and I can hear the coffee brewing, with the soft music I put on playing, amongst the symphony of other morning sounds I love so much. Perfectly normal and delicious moments all at once. But they are mixed in there with me spilling my fresh cup of coffee down my robe, and trying to take the trash cans up from the curb and getting attacked by a bazillion flies which sends me into a tizzy in the middle of the street. Then i drink a glass of water through a paper towel and my hiccups go away, I dry my hair, put some laundry in and hear the words of a song say “do what ever you need to be happy, i know its hard but blue skies are coming”…and I sigh again, with tears in my eyes, and just sit on the floor with my coffee, trying to figure out how to be a human being who realizes I’m alive, every every minute. Noticing deep breaths and tiny spiders next my arm that i cant seem to kill because life seems too precious in this moment.

My moms husband had a seizure wednesday night. Their 4 year wedding anniversary was thursday. four years. One of my best friends is getting married tomorrow. The one year anniversary of a sweet friends death was yesterday. My sister and her new husband are on their honeymoon. Im running around taking care of dogs and houses, while making sure I have my dresses and shoes and that I study for the two tests I have this weekend, and it all seems too much to bear at one time. I think about that line from that play, about us human beings ever realizing life while we live it….I sigh and breathe deeply. They are running tests on my step dad to see what caused the seizure. I think about my mom and their four years of wedded bliss and I cry. She has been through so much. She waited so long to find him and they are so perfect. They deserve eternity to be happy and together. I want to hold everyone so close and do everything I have ever wanted to do. Life is insane and brutal and beautiful. I have so many loved ones beginning their marriages, and others that are just having all the babies in the world, and they are stunning in their new roles. I have amazing fun and wild loved ones that stay up until dawn living happy and free. I am so humbled watching the beauty of it. There is so much to breathe in and breathe out. There is so much to worry and fear, but so much to be grateful for. I tell myself to feel it all. Every moment. Do not skip, or bypass it to make it small because of the feelings. Soak it up. All the people that are apart of this day right now. All the moments. I am sitting alone in a house with three dogs that I love and they are here, alive with me. So much is ahead, so much needs to be left behind, and I sit, I breath. I put the tiny spider in the planter. I’m amazed at life, while I am living it this morning. Theres no time to be cruel, self righteous or prideful. kindness is too sweet, and humbleness is too comforting. We need honest days and nights. With people who want to stand beside us and celebrate the good days and mourn over the days filled with loss. We need more of the telling people how much we love them. More living like this is our second chance at life. Even when we have hiccups and cant sleep. Especially then.