I wrote this a while back while in the midst of a melt down…on a search for why why why I’m so crazy…I don’t think I come to any conclusions…as usual.
When denial has finally found its way out the back door and the sinking reality of life settles underneath your skin…it’s like I can feel piece by piece the shattering in my heart and my bones. I can feel it all. I hear it and I know it’s coming. When it all comes down to it, isn’t it all just about worth? My worthiness. My unworthiness. How much I love and how much others love me, and how I’m so unsure of it all. That’s what my falling, sinking, shattering is about mostly. I want to be enough. For everything and everybody. I want to be worthy of love and belonging. But comparison really is the thief of joy. Absolute thief. It murders my confidence and steals my joy. And that’s what I spend most of my time leading up to a melt down doing. comparing. Everything. You name it, I compare it. And it’s normally when I forget to be kind and gentle with myself and my heart and soul. I forget that I have to love myself and care for myself the most. I know I have this attitude that comes with the flawed person that I am, it’s this attitude that I have To take care of me and that accepting help is shameful and bad and means there must be something wrong with me. I wish I didn’t have that flaw. I wish I didn’t judge people. I wish I would listen more and talk less. I wish that my heart was more forgiving of itself and in turn more forgiving to others. I wish I didn’t let others get me down and that I really didn’t regret anything. I wish that caring for someone wasn’t so entirely terrifying to me. I wish those things.
But I also accept these things: I am completely and utterly flawed. I have wounds that may always make me stumble, I have scars and tattoos and I eat a lot of carbs and sugar. I want more tattoos. I like the f word a whole lot. I grew up in a home where life was not perfect. Where things were sticky and messy and broken and I carry those things with me. The good and the bed. I also know that they make me a compassionate, empathetic person who is able to love people so much. I couldn’t relate to others if I wasn’t shattered like so many are. If I wasn’t horribly insane and kind of crazy. I’ve always thought that it would be cool to have Jesus just here as my friend because he seems like he would really understand all of the buckets of stuff we all carry around. He would listen and be kind and sit quietly with us. Maybe that’s the greatest gift we can give to each other. Just to listen and be kind. And then just be happy. Accept life as this swirling messy wave of uncertainty and be so happy that we don’t have to do it alone. That’s all I want.
We melt down because we have to. I don’t quite know the point yet, but I’m so certain its necessary. I think. And it’s also beautiful. It forces us to be present and see and feel and touch the things and people in our lives that are real and here and now.
Oh my, I’m so happy I made it to November…back to November. I feel like I’ve come full circle. I mean, I adore fall. I know its cliché and we are all tired of hearing about it…but it gives me happy, comforting feelings. I have the best memories from the fall. I love this time of year.
I feel like the next two months are entirely about gratitude. I want to just soak in all that I love as I end 2013. I needed the seasons to change. I needed the passing of the old and the welcoming of the new. I needed these magical leaves to change into their reds, oranges, and yellows. I needed it. I’m so grateful to be free. I’m grateful for thoughtful moments and family. I’m so thankful that I get to go to a job I’m in love with. I am grateful for all the terrible decisions I’ve made, and all the not so terrible ones. I’m grateful for the sweet kindness I’ve encountered in people. It could bring me to tears if I thought too much about it. I like to think that it is not our occupations or careers that make a life, but how deeply we love and live our lives with those around us. So I will keep doing that. I don’t really fancy regret. I don’t think it’s helpful to dwell on all the decisions we could have should have would have made. I think that’s ridiculous and a waste of time. So I choose to live in the present moment and own all that I am and all that I feel and don’t feel and just be happy in it. I’m thankful for this coffee in my cup and the candle I have lit and all the dogs in my life. I’m thankful that this doesn’t all have to make sense to anyone. I’m thankful that I was able to sit down and write something this morning. That I made myself even though I’m always so unsure of what I want to say. I don’t care how teensy and unimportant my little life may be, I’m so happy and full of gratitude that I get to live it. I hope that November brings joy and tears of gratitude for everyone. I hope that where ever your heart dwells, it knows it’s loved and valuable. Thank God it’s November. I’m just so very thankful I made it here.