I was driving home from work, really from target because I needed to do some therapy shopping, in which I filled my basket with frivolous things that were too expensive and I didn’t need, only to later empty the basket to the essentials. Anyways, I was wondering why I felt so unhappy today. Then I started praying. Forgetting is something that plagues me. Distractions well up around me and I forgot all the important deep stuff. I really really think that Jesus is in love with me. Like he freaking loves me. I used to not think that, but now I am positive he thinks I’m hilarious, amazing, fun, precious, perfect, silly, wise, a joy, a blast etc. Jesus didn’t just pity me and die for me because he felt bad for how stupid I can be sometimes, and he knew I would need some major saving. Which don’t get me wrong, I need some major saving. But he didn’t just bail me out, to punish me from his unabashed, crazy, stupid love for me. He really wants me to know that. So today on my way home from trying to fill all these holes in myself, and forgetting that someone is in absolute head over heels love with me, the sky was dotted with little pearl colored clouds every where with the cherry blue sky behind it. And I started to just say how pretty it was out loud then I started to think about how much I have. I am so full, I have so much. But being thankful can feel so cliché and unauthentic sometimes and so I tend to not do things that feel fake because I hate feeling fake. So for example if a “quiet time” starts to feel stupid cliché and not genuine then I just stop doing it. Which isn’t always good, but same goes for thankfulness. If my heart isn’t in it when i’m giving thanks and i’m really only doing it because I think that’s what i’m supposed to do, then I stop doing it because I drive myself nuts with blind routines. Yikes. But right now these are real things that i’m really glad for today. Things that I know everyone doesn’t have, which doesn’t make me better, just reminds me i’m not entitled to these things. They are precious precious blessings.
The beautiful world around me, the sky today, the weather today, how the baby I nanny giggles at me all day long and claps for me, how I have friends to call when I don’t want to be alone, how there is insane wisdom in the friends I have to help me remember why I don’t want to do stupid things. Thankful that the temptation to do stupid things is only a temptation and I haven’t done them yet, thankful for close proximity to my family, whom everyday I realize how lucky I really am to have them. A sister who can be a best friend and a brother whom his sweet and loving and got my sense of humor. Thankful for an upbringing in a place I am proud to call home, for a season in a place full of people that really love me and that we all have this common goal to try and figure out how to just be close to Jesus and walk with him and that’s it.
All day most every day is a battle to not compare and to not fear or envy. And I think most of us in America have a pretty giant handful of things that are beautiful and shiny and remind us of fairy dust and beautiful sunsets and fireflies. I think that most of us have that. I also think most of us forget those things or don’t think about them enough because it’s so damn hard to get perspective when you live where we live. And its so much more fun to be cranky and complainy sometimes.
Being thankful doesn’t make me happy though. It does lay bricks to a much deeper road of humility. It helps me walk a little closer to this thing or spirit or god or what ever you want to call it, maybe Jesus, who is unabashedly obsessed with me. And you. And it reminds me that there is this unchanging thing inside of my soul that I have to constantly find my way back to. And when i’m back, it’s this unbreakable peace and joy that shopping at target will never give me.
It seems i’m always on the search for more joy more peace more happiness etc, I just get lost so easy. But these are my thoughts today. I hope you remember to be kind to yourself. I promise it will help you be kind to others. And I hope you discover, in your own precious, adventurous way, how much this never changing abiding thing that lives inside of you, is insanely, relentlessly in love with you. I hope you start liking yourself and know that all this weird religious fog we are all surrounded by started with this weird guy who did weird things that didn’t make sense all in the name of love. I hope you find your way back to that genuine, weird, loving guy and discover that he likes you. He really really likes you.