Doing what you love is freedom, liking what you do is happiness.

Some people are good at sports, or math, or going to college.

Some people are experts in law or baking.

I don’t have a particular expertise, except babysitting. I happen to be semi-ok at watching kids. Which is an odd talent. Mainly because I’m not sure if it’s a talent as much as practiced patience…

But I was thinking about the things I would like to be good at one day, and I think caring for people, kids especially, is one of those things. Writing would be another one. This one might take another 20 years, especially since at 21 I still can’t get correct grammar down 🙂 I’m ok with it. Life is a learning curve.
Anyways, here’s the reason I think maybe those desires are in my heart.

1) I want to be a good mom one day. I think mothers come in all sorts of people in life. While I’m in love with my birth mother and I think she is a treasure, she isn’t the only one to love me with momma love. I always admired and cherished those people in my life that cared for me with the same tenderness and honesty they would care for their own obnoxious children. I have a desire to be a good mom and maybe wife one day. Maybe, if that’s along this foggy road I’m walking. I’ve also made my peace with that fact that it may not be, that’s cool too. I may just get to love and mother those I least expected to in life. But I also think the lord puts desires and gifts in us, so for now I will trust that while that desire is there, he will work through it.

2) I owe the great writers in the world a piece of me. I am indebted to the literary marvels that had the courage to be honest with themselves and then put it in a book for me to pick up and feel released by. I also need to send love and thankfulness, in a jar, to those creative cookies who made up worlds of magic and wonder for me to dive into when I needed it the most. That’s why I want to be a writer. My greatest hero’s are writers. Including the one who holds the pen to the paper in my life. I want to be like him, in a small way. But I want his love to flow through it all.

These are the things I want to be expert at…there may be more. Im sure as the pages of my life turn, things will change. But this is me for today.

Find what your good at, and what you love, and do it. Embrace it whole heartedly, no matter how small you may think it is.

“But our bodies have many parts, and god has put each part just where he wants it…in fact, some parts of the body that seem weakest and least important are actually the most necessary.” 1Corinthians 14:18, 22

Just a few things…

Just a few things,

The sun, blue skies, and clouds. Swimming in cold water on hot days. Life long friendships. Being known. Taking really long walks. Being outside. Reading books and rereading really good books. Freedom, the kind I feel in my soul. My mom, my dad, and their presence in my life. The ability to travel across our worlds to be with family and continue the important relationship of loving them. Water with more water. Coffee and half and half. Being able to go home. For all these fragments, I am thankful, grateful, whole, and happy for. I am so full I think tears might spill out my eyes, which happens often. The tears, that is.

Once I was listening to a man speak about thankfulness, and he described it as lifting up everything you have been given, and giving it back. Saying thank you for what joy and blessing this has given me. I am full, here, have it back so I can learn to let go and be filled again. That feels good in my heart. Gathering it all up, to give it back to the one  who gave it to me. Being filled to be emptied. 

Sometimes I cling so tight to what I love because I don’t want to lose it. But when I try to control what has been given to me, that desire to keep it ends up controlling me. We are created to breathe in, just to breathe right back out. Breathe in the blessing, the healing, the joy, the peace, and breathe out…I don’t know.

Another thing. Life, I don’t have you figured out. I never will. I cannot earn love, by trying to be good. I cannot find peace in my soul, by seeking others approval. I haven’t found any formulas or guide books that are clear and concise on the right way to eat a sandwich or find eternity. The Bible is really good, though still not always detailed on the exact steps to every pickle I find myself in. I used to be a smidge uptight and caught up in the rules of right and wrong the way I saw it. That was exhausting. All I can do now is be full of gratitude everyday for this whimsical life I get to live for a little while here. I don’t want to worry so much about being good, as I want to praise God for how good he is. I am not good. I do desire though, to do everything with a lot of love and kindness.

love until it hurts, then love more. -Mother Theresa

 Worry less, surrender more.

Kindred Spirits

Kindred spirits…

Sabrina Ward Harrison is one for sure. Sometimes I come across one of her journals and she puts messy, wonderful words to my thoughts and feelings.

“We can end up carrying all this sadness and unexpressed bits of ourselves e don’t speak up, spill open and be truly as we are. I am learning that loving all the way can ache and sting, but loving halfway doesn’t keep us safe. It leaves us with a hope that could never live out loud. Let yourself pour forward and be a place for your ache to rest.” –SWH

And another…

“Writing is honestly about letting go and loosening the muscles of the heart. Im learning that growing is a mixture of surrendering to that none of it matters, and all of it matters. The details of our lives and our truth, it is about what we stand up for and what we let go of. That is the real stuff. Accepting myself brings me away from analyzing, doubting, comparing, altering who I am. It gives me space to dance and be barefoot even when it feels scary and awkward. It is who I am. It is important to share and necessary to live. As tangled and true as it is.” SWH

This woman reminds me of the wild way I operate and listen and live. These words remind me that it is a precious gift to be sensitive and have the need to let it all tumble out.

Love it.

I’m learning that when it seems hard to breathe, breath will come. That it is better to deal with all of myself right now. My life is a constant cycle of cling and surrender, cling and surrender. I have also discovered that being honest with people is very vulnerable and scary, but the alternative for me is running around begging to please and be accepted. That isn’t authentic to who I am or who I am created to be. Shame is something I am learning a lot about right now. I am discovering my own shame triggers and how self-centered shame makes me and how much of a lie it is. I feel like its all I talk about here lately. But dealing with insecurities is huge and important, and right now that seems to be what I am attempting to do. I am learning that the people I care most about and long to have their approval, are the ones I feel the most shame when I feel I have disappointed them. Someone told me that as adults no one can make us feel shame. She said as adults it is the meaning we attach to things that creates shame. That is empowering in a way, but also makes me so aware of my self-centered heart. Bah, I want to write less about myself. I think writing to me is a way to release it all. The fear, the joy, the utter awe and mess that life is. I am a falling apart mess. But that is ok.:)