I have seasons in life where I literally feel like I have it all figured out. I am even pompous about it. I am high and mighty because I have chosen the higher rode and higher life. It’s quite disturbing when I realize it. Today is one of those days where I have realized it. I was talking with my mom, constantly on the verge of tears as we go through every area of my life where I think I am being mature and making good decision. She gently points out the areas I can grow and take responsibility, and as it turns out, everyone isn’t really out to get me like I sometimes feel.
SOO today is a day where I feel like I have fallen to the bottom
(Thank God) of the ladder again. I thought I was climbing and learning and growing and now I feel like I know nothing. Which can sometimes be the best place to be. Because lets face it, I am not teachable when I think I have it all figured out. So many deep sighs and big tears today.
I am still sitting where it feels like I have sat a million times. Spread too thin, wondering how to maintain my meishness in all the different networks of people I have been so honored to be a part of. So far today I think humility and honesty will help. Hugely help. Being honest and attempting at humility, I am accepting that everything I thought I had figured out about life and love and friendship is just the beginning of learning about it all. Also, that it is ok to feel. It is ok to feel confused and strangely hopeful because of the acceptance of the confusion. Oh boy!
Besides all the tangled thoughts about that…I am feeling deeply grateful for life.
I am so thankful that Gods love is bigger than my fear. I am grateful for such an incredible amount of people who love me and are for me. For my quirky, vibrant, brilliant mom who not only reflects back my goodness, but also brings gentle correction and truth. I’m thankful for all the laughter and joy and deep roots of love and friendship that I have had all my life. I am thankful for a community that nourishes the way of life I am choosing to live. I am thankful for a job. I am thankful to be alive. Thank you Jesus.